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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 



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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA; 



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CHARLES LAMB. 



7 



A DISSERTATION 



UPON 



ROAST PIG 



CHARLES LAMB 



Ulustratc'd by L^J^riJi^man 



P. O S T O N 
D L O T H R O P COMPANY 

KKANKl.IN AND HAWl.EV STREETS 




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Copyright, iSSS 



D. LoTHROP Company. 



PRESSWOHK BY BERWICK i SMITH, BOSTON. 



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YE DELIGHTFUL PIG. 



UPON ROAST PIG 



Mankind, says a Chinese manuscript, which 
my friend M. was obliging enough to read and 
explain to me, for tlie first seventy thousand 
ages ate their meat raw, clawing or biting it 
from the living animal, just as they do in 
Abyssinia to this dny. This period is not 
obscurely hinted at bv their o^reat Confucius 
in the second chapter of his Mundane Muta- 
tions, where he desio-nates a kind of o-olden 
age by the term Cho-fang, literally the Cooks' 
holiday. The manuscript goes on to say, 
that the art of roasting, or rather broiling 



UrON ROAST PIG. 

(which I take to be the elder brother) was acci- 
dentally discovered in the manner following^ 
The swineherd, Ho-ti, having gone out in the 
woods one morning, as his manner was, to col- 
lect masts for his hoo's, left his cottage in the 
care of his eldest son Bo-bo, a great lubberly 
boy, who being fond of playing with fire, as 
younkers of his age commonly are, let some 
sparks escape into a bundle of straw, which 
kindling quickly, spread the conflagration over 
every part of their poor mansion, till it was 
reduced to ashes. To2;ether with the cottage, 
(a sorry antediluvian makeshift of a building, 
you may think it), what was of much more 
importance, a fine litter of new-farrowed pigs, 
no less than nine in number, perished. China 
pigs had been esteemed a luxury all over the 




BU-UO I'LAVElil Wiril FIKK. 



UrON ROAST PIG. 

East, from the remotest periods that we read 
of. Bo-bo was in the utmost consternation, as 
you ma}- think, not so much for the sake of 
the tenement, which his father and he could 
easily build up again with a few dry branches, 
and the labour of an hour or two, at any time, 
as for the loss of the pigs. While he was 
thinking what he should say to his father, and 
wringing his hands over the smoking rem- 
nants of one of those untimely sufferers, an 
odour assailed his nostrils, unlike any scent 
which he had before experienced. What 
could it proceed from .-* — not from the burnt 
cottage — he had smelt that smell before — in- 
deed this was by no means the first accident of 
the kind which had occured through the neo'li- 
gence of this unlucky young firebrand. ]\Iuch 



UPON ROAST PIG. 

less did it resemble that of any known herb, 
weed, or flower. A premonitory moistening 
at the same time overflowed his nether lip. 
He knew not what to think. He next stooped 
down to feel the pig, if there were any signs 
of life in it. He burnt his fingers, and to cool 
them he applied them in his boob}' fashion to 
his mouth. Some of the crumbs of the 
scorched skin had come aw^ay with his fingers, 
and for the first time in his life (in the w'orld's 
life indeed, for before him no man had known 
it) he tasted — crackling ! Again he felt and 
fumbled at the pig. It did not burn him so 
much now, still he licked his finger from a 
sort of habit. The truth at length broke into 
his slow understanding, that it w-as the pig 
that smelt so, and the pig that tasted so deli- 




YE FlRbl' iASi'K. 



UPON ROAST PIG. 

cioLis ; and surrendering himself up to the new- 
born pleasure, he fell to tearing up whole 
handfuls of the scorched skin with the flesh 
next it, and was cramming it down his throat 
in his beastly fashion, when his sire entered 
amid the smoking rafters, armed with retribu- 
tory cudgel, and finding how affairs stood, 
began to rain blows upon the young rogue's 
shoulders, as thick as hailstones, which Bo-bo 
heeded not any more than if they had been 
flies. The tickling pleasure which he experi- 
enced in his lower regions, had rendered him 
quite callous to any inconveniences he might 
feel in those remote quarters. His father 
might lay on, but lie could not beat him from 
his pig, till he had fairly made an end of it, 
when, becoming a little more sensible of his 



UPON ROAST PIG. 

situation, something like the following dia- 
logue ensued : 

" You graceless whelp, what have you got 
there devouring ? Is it not enough that you 
have burnt me down three houses with }'our 
dogs tricks, and be hanged to you, but you 
must be eating fire, and I know not what — 
what have you got there, I say ? " 

" O father, the pig, the pig ! do come and 
taste how nice the burnt pig eats." 

The cars of Ho-ti tingled with horror. He 
cursed his son, and he cursed himself that ever 
he should beget a son that should eat burnt pig. 

Bo-bo, whose scent was wonderfully sharp- 
ened since morning, soon raked out another 
pig, and fairly rending it asunder, thrust the 
lesser half by main force into the fists of Ho-ti, 



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Ho il li.ui UI lllb SOW 



UPON ROAST FIG. 

Still shouting out, " Eat, eat, eat the burnt pier, 
father, only taste — O Lord," — with suclvlil^' 
barbarous ejaculations, cramming all the while 
as if he would choke. 

Ho-ti trembled every joint while he grasped 
the abominable things wavering whether he 
should not put his son to death for an unnatu- 
ral young monster, when the crackling scorch- 
ing his fingers, as it had done his son's, and 
applying the same remedy to them, he in his 
turn tasted some of its flavour, which, make 
what sour mouths he would for a pretence, 
proved not altogether displeasing to him. In 
conclusion (for the manuscript here is a little 
tedious) both father and son fairly sat down to 
the mess, and never left off till they had des- 
patched all that remained of the litter. 



UPON ROAST FIG. 

Bo-bo was strictly enjoined not to let the 
secret escape, for the neighbors would cer- 
tainly have stoned them for a couple of abom- 
inable wretches, who could think of improving 
upon the good meat which God had sent 
them. Nevertheless, strange stories got about. 
It was observed that Ho-ti's cottage was burnt 
down now more frequently than ever. Noth- 
ing but fires from this time forward. Some 
would break out in broad clay, others in the 
night-time. As often as the sow farrowed, 
so sure was the house of Ho-ti to be in a 
blaze ; and Ho-ti himself, which was the more 
remarkable, instead of chastising his son, 
seemed to grow more indulgent to him than 
ever. At length they were watched, the ter- 
rible mystery discovered, and father and son 




YE FAMILY RKJUlChlll. 



UrON ROAST PIG. 

summoned to take their trial at Pekin, than an 
inconsiderable assize town. Evidence was 
given, the obnoxious food itself produced in 
court, and verdict about to be pronounced, 
when the foreman of the jury begged that 
some of the burnt pig, of which the culprits 
stood accused, might be handed into the box. 
He handled it, and they all handled it, and 
burning their fingers, as Bo-bo and his father 
had done before them, and nature prompting to 
each of them the same remedy, against the face 
of all the facts, and the clearest charge which 
judge had ever given, — to the surprise of the 
whole court, townsfolk, strangers, reporters, and 
all present — without leaving the box, or any 
manner of consultation whatever, they brought 
in a simultaneous verdict of Not Guilty. 



UPON ROAST PIG. 

The judge, who was a shrewd fellow, winked 
at the manifest iniquity of the decision ; and, 
when the court was dismissed, went privily, 
and bought up all the pigs that could be had 
for love or money. In a few days his Lord- 
ship's town house was observed to be on fire. 
The thino: took wino- and now there was 
nothing to be seen but fires in every direction. 
Fuel and pigs grew enormously dear all over 
the district. The insurance offices one and 
all shut up shop. People built slighter and 
slighter every day, until it was feared that the 
very science of architecture would in no long 
time be lost to the world. Thus this custom 
of firing houses continued, till in process of 
time, says my manuscript, a sage arose, like 
our Locke, who made a discovery, that the 




YE MYSTERY IS SOLVED. 



UFON ROAST PIG. 

flesh of swine, or indeed of any other animal 
might be cooked {burnt, as they call it) with- 
out the necessity of consuming a whole house 
to dress it. Then first began the rude form of 
a gridiron. Roasting by the string, or spit, 
came in a century or two later, I forget in 
whose dynasty. By such slow degrees, con- 
cludes the manuscript, do the most useful, and 
seemingly the most obvious arts, make their 
way among mankind. 

Without placing too implicit faith in the 
account abo\'e given, it must be agreed, that if 
a worthy pretext for so dangerous an experiment 
as setting houses on fire (especially in these 
days) could be assigned in favour of any culi- 
nary object, that pretext and excuse might be 
found in roast pig. 



UPON R0AS2' riG. 

Of all the delicacies in the whole luundus 
edibilis, I will mantain it to be the most deli- 
cate — princeps obsouionim. 

I speak not of your grown porkers — things 
between pig and pork — those hobbydehoys — 
but a young and tender suckling — under a 
moon old — guiltless as yet of the sty — with 
no original speck of the amor iuinninditicc, the 
hereditary failing of the first parent, yet mani- 
fest — his voice as yet not broken, but some- 
thing between a childish treble, and a grumble 
— the mild forerunner, or pncludiiun, of a 
orunt. 

O 

He vntst be roasted. I am not ignorant that 
our ancestors ate them seethed, or boiled — 
but what a sacrifice of the exterior tegument ! 

There is no flavour comparable, I will con- 




VE JUUY GIVETH ITS VERDICT. 



UPON ROAST FIG. 

tend, to that of the crisp, tawny, well-watched, 
not over-roasted, crackling, as it is well called 
— the very teeth are invited to their share of 
the pleasure at this banquet in overcoming 
the coy, brittle resistance — with the adhesive 
oleamnous — O call it not fat — but an indefi- 

O 

able sweetness growing up to it — the tender 
blossoming of fat — fat cropped in the bud — 
taken in the shoot — in the first innocence — 
the cream and quintessence of the child-pig's 
yet pure food — the lean, no lean, but a kind 
of animal manna — or, rather, fat and lean (if 
it must be so) so blended and running into 
each other, that both together make but one 
ambrosian result, or common substance. 

Behold him, while he is doing — it seemeth 
rather a refreshino; warmth, then a scorchino- 



UrON KOAST PIG. 

heat, that he is so passive to. How equably 
he twirleth round the string! — Now he is 
just done. To see the extreme sensibiHty of 
that tender age, he hath wept out his pretty 
eyes — radiant jelhes — shooting stars — 

See him in the dish, his second cradle, how 
meek he lieth ! — wouldst thou have had this 
innocent grow up to the grossness and indo- 
cility which too often accompany maturer 
swinehood ? Ten to one he would have 
proved a glutton, a slov^en, an obstinate, disa- 
greeable animal — wallowing in all manner of 
filthy conversation — from these sins he is 
happily snatched away — 

Ere sill could bliglit, or sorrow fade, 
Death came with timely care — 




YE JUDGE bl'ECULATETH, 



UPON ROAST PIG. 

his memory is odoriferous — no clown curseth, 
while his stomach half rejecteth, the rank 
bacon — no coalheaver bolteth him in reekine 
sausages — he hath a fair sepulchre in the 
grateful stomach of the judicious epicure — and 
for such a tomb might be content to die. 

He is the best of sapors. Pineapple is 
great. She is indeed almost too transcendent 

— a delight, if not sinful, yet so like to sin- 
ning, that really a tender-conscienced person 
would do well to pause — too ravishing for 
mortal taste, she woundeth and excoriateth the 
lips that approach her — like lover's kisses, she 
biteth — she is a pleasure bordering on pain 
from the fierceness and insanity of her relish 

— but she stoppeth at the palate — she med- 
dleth not with the appetite — and the coarsest 



UPON ROAST PIG. 

hunger might barter her consistently for a 
mutton chop. 

Pig — let me speak his praise — is no less 
provocative of the appetite, than he is satisfac- 
tory to the criticalness of the censorious palate. 
The strong man may batten on him, and the 
weakling refuseth not his mild juices. 

Unlike to mankind's mixed characters, a 
bundle of virtues and vices, inexplicably inter- 
twisted, and not to be unravelled without haz- 
ard, he is — good throughout. No part of 
him is better or worse than another. He help- 
eth. as far as his little means extend, all around. 
He is the least envious of banquets. He is all 
neighbors' fare. 

I am one of those, who freely and ungrudg- 
inglv impart a share of the good things of this 




YK SAGE MAKKTH A DISCuVERY. 



UPON ROASr PIG. 

life which fall to their lot (few as mine are in 
this kind) to a friend. I protest I take as 
great an interest in my friend's pleasures, his 
relishes, and proper satisfactions, as in mine 
own. " Presents," I often say, " endear Ab- 
sents." Hares, pheasants, partridges, snipes, 
barn-door chickens (those " tame villatic fowl "), 
capons, plovers, brawn, barrels of oysters, I dis- 
pense as freely as I receive them. I love to 
taste them, as it were, upon the tongue of my 
friend. But a stop must be put somewhere. 
One would not, like Lear, " oive evervthino- "' 
I make my stand upon pig. Methinks it is an 
ingratitude to the Giver of all good flavours, to 
extra-domiciliate, or send out of the house, 
slightingly (under pretext of friendship, or I 
know not what), a blessing so particularly 



UPON ROAST FIG. 

adapted, predestined, I may say, to my individ- 
ual palate — It argues an insensibility. 

I remember a touch of conscience in this 
kind at school. My good old aunt, who never 
parted from me at the end of a holiday with- 
out stuiTfino; a sweetmeat, or some nice thino- 
into my pocket, had dismissed me one evening 
with a smoking plum-cake, fresh from the 
oven. In m\' way to school (it was over Lon- 
don Bridge) a gray-headed old beggar saluted 
me (I have no doubt at this time of day that 
he was a counterfeit). I had no pence to con- 
sole him with, and in the vanity of self-denial, 
and the very coxcombry of charity, schoolboy- 
like, I made him a present of — the whole 
cake! I walked on a little, buoyed up, as one 
is on such occasions, with a sweet soothing of 




YE PIG TWIRLETII. 



UrOX ROAST FIG. 

self-satisfaction ; but before I had got to the 
end of the bridge, my better feelings returned, 
and I burst into tears, thinking how ungrateful 
I had been to my good aunt, to go and give 
her good gift away to a stranger, that I had 
never seen before, and who might be a bad 
man for aught I knew ; and then I thought of 
the pleasure my aunt would be taking in think- 
ing that I — I myself, and not another — would 
eat her nice cake — and what should I say to 
her the next time I saw her — how naughty I 
was to part with her pretty present — and the 
odour of that spicy cake came back upon my 
recollection, and the pleasure and the curiosity 
I had taken in seeing her make it, and her joy 
when she sent it to the oven, and how disap- 
pointed she would feel that I had never had a 



UrON ROAST I'IG. 

bit of it in my mouth at last — and I blamed 
my impertinent spirit of almsgiving, and out- 
of-place hypocrisy of goodness, and above all 
I wished never to see the face again of that in- 
siduous, good-for-nothing, old gray impostor. 

Our ancestors were nice in their method of 
sacrificing these tender victims. We read of 
pigs whipt to death with something of a shock, 
as we hear of any other obsolete custom. The 
age of discipline is gone by, or it would be 
curious to inquire (in a philosophical light 
merely) what effect this process might have 
towards intenerating and dulcifying a sub- 
stance, naturally so mild and dulcet as the 
f^esh of young pigs. It looks like refining a 
violet. Yet we should be cautious, while we 
condemn the inhumanitv, how we censure the 




YE AKOMAIIC I'lG. 



UPON IWAST FIG. 



wisdom of the practice. It might impart a 



gusto 



I remember an hypothesis, argued upon by 
the young students, when I was at St. Omer's, 
and maintained with much learning and pleas- 
antry on both sides, "Whether, supposing that 
the flavor of a pig who obtained his death by 
whipping [per flagcUationcm cxtremani) super- 
added a pleasure upon the palate of a man 
more intense than any possible suffering we 
can conceive in the animal, is man justified in 
using that method of putting the animal to 
death .^ " I forget the decision. 

His sauce should be considered. Decidedly, 
a few bread crumbs, done up with his liver and 
brains, and a dash of mild sage. Hut, banish, 
dear Mrs. Cook, I beseech you, the whole 



UFOX ROAST PIG. 

onion tribe. Barbecue your whole hogs to 
your palate, steep them in shalots, stuff them 
out with plantations of the rank and guilty 
garlic ; you cannot poison them, or make 
them stronger than they are — but consider, 
he is a weakling — a liower. 



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